100% Money Back Guarantee
100% MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
By The DisAssociated Press.
Written sometime recently, under a pseudonym of Johnson Johnson, by a completely independent and unsolicited World Famous Ignoble Prize Winning Journalist, Reporter and Wordsmith of Strange Fiction, who has absolutely not been paid by anyone, ever, most especially not by anyone even vaguely associated with DEATH™ Cigarettes.
DEATH™ Cigarettes offered a 100% Money-Back Guarantee on that fact.
If you choose to smoke, furnished with that information, it’s your funeral.
And if you don’t Die, you get your money back. 100% Guaranteed.
That Promise of a 100% Money-Back Guarantee if you fail to die continues with the DEATH™ Cigarettes’ label of clothing and accessories.
"We’ve never had a single person ask for their money back. Not One! Can I get an Amen?! That’s right! This is absolute concrete scientific proof that you can run, but you cannot hide. Too Bad You're Gonna Die” - said the Sultan of Suave at DEATH™ Cigarettes.
When pressed by this reporter on exactly how consumers of the DEATH™ Cigarettes’ line of exceptionally fine and stylish gear might make a claim on this guarantee, the Arch-Deacon of Disarray was less concrete and somewhat more slippery, stating:
“Our collections are cool-as-fuck. They embrace and manifest a higher truth. Praise Be!”.
He was later unavailable for comment.
A credible source close to the Ecclesiastical Hierarchy at DEATH™ Cigarettes subsequently confirmed:
“If you are not 100% delighted with any of our products, they can be returned for a full 100% refund within 14 days of purchase.”
This should come as no surprise given that under the Consumer Contracts Regulations, everyone has the legal right of 14 days to cancel their order after receiving it, and a further 14 days to send goods back for a full refund (including outward delivery costs) even if there is no fault.
In conclusion, this Reporter can categorically confirm:
DEATH™ is a Promise you can Trust.
DEATH™ favours no one.
DEATH™ takes no Bribes.
DEATH™ pays all Debts.
DEATH™ keeps no Calendar.
DEATH™ is the Horizon.
DEATH™ is the invention of Life.
Six feet of Earth makes us all Equal.
Do not fear DEATH™. Fear never beginning to live.
Do not fear DEATH™. Find something to Die for.
Everyone Dies but not everyone Lives.
By Johnson Johnson.